No to borderline...it's full blown!! I think deep down he knows, but will never admit that he needs help nor will he ever get it. When I brough it up, he mentioned once that he and his ex went to counseling, but he implied it was more for "her" issues. Ya...her issues of trying to keep her sanity while living with him.!! As for the love issue...you're right. I kept grabbing at the crumbs of love he threw out. I feel so cheated because he claimed he wanted the same as I did...the forever, happily ever after relationship that everyone dreams about. I will always believe he wants that and wanted it with me, but his narcissism will never allow him to have it. I feel duped. Now that I have some emotional distance from him, I can look at how I allowed him to brainwash me, manipulate me, how I changed myself to appease him. The sad part is I knew I was doing this...I chose to ignore the red flags & the little voice in my head that kept saying "this is not right, why are you doing this to yourself, why are you putting yourself through this" in order to hang on to the dream of the loving, nurturing, caring, grow old with me, die with me, relationship that he kept implying we'd have.
A friend of mine (who's shoulder I was always crying on) finally told me point blank...."why do you allow him to make you feel this bad. This is not love. Why do you want to be with someone that makes you cry all the time. You claim to love him so much, but what do you love, the way he makes you cry and feel bad about yourself all the time. Where is the joy in this relationship, no one that says they love you should be treating you this way, this is NOT NORMAL! and the comment that finally hit home..."I have to wonder about your sanity. What's wrong with you that you want to continually put yourself at the feet of this man and let him walk all over you. I'm more concerned for you and your need for help, than for him." WOW....so needed to hear that...totally turned me around in my thinking and made me focus more on myself and WHY was I allowing this to happen. All for the sake of the crumbs of love he kept throwing my way. I accused him of always keeping the carrot dangling in front of me....always the lure of my "dream of a lifetime relationship". I lived for his promise of that so desired relationship. I'd swept the bad times under the rug and hung on for dear life that we would finally make it work and "live happily ever after".
I've gathered tons of info from the internet....I will never understand what makes a person have NPD but I now understand what he was doing to me. I totally thought there was something wrong with me. It's baffling to me how they operate. One of the websites said something about narcissist have so much loathing for themselves, and how they perceive themselves. How sad. Rips my heart out when I think that about him. How can he hate himself so much....what kind of childhood did he have? What did his parents do to him that was so bad he became this way??? I can't think about it.....
I've left, I'm moving on, I'm doing some self analysis with the help of the internet. Life is too short to live it in misery and false hope.
Thank you for your support and insight....hope your are doing well. Hugs, single247