unfortunately, i don't feel that i have a very good answer for you. i haven't told anyone why i suddenly "dropped off the face of the earth." In fact no one outside of my family knows about my diagnosis, and i avoid the people that i made a total ass out of myself in front of 2 years ago when I completely crashed. i said a lot of crazy shit to a lot of people and i don't remember half of it. occasionally i'll see someone that i was friends with in the grocery store, and ironically, i've gained so much weight from my meds that they don't even recognize me. those that do, i'm cordial to, but they find it weird that i don't want to hang out anymore when we used to be really cool. i don't know how to tell them that i'm going to be way to embarrased to speak when they ask me "what happened", or even, "what have i been up to all this time"? either that or when they ask me, i get all dark and moody and tell them that i don't want to talk about it. it makes me feel like i'm raining on everybody's parade.
when i picked my friends, i hung out with them for very superficial reasons, or i was drunk when we met... all reasons i felt that i could live with letting go for. i realize that alienating myself from everyone wasn't the healthiest course of action, but it was the one that i felt most comfortable with. i didn't even call the guy that i was dating, which actually worked out for the best after the fact. there are some people i wouldn't know what to say to if i ever saw them again. i acted really strange for several months before i was actually hospitalized. if i look at my old journal entries, i even admitted then that i knew something was going terribly wrong inside me. even today i don't feel like i'm all better and i'd feel worse if i told someone that i knew what was going on with me and they treated me the way that i used to treat people. now that i think about it, perhaps this is karma's way of getting back at me.
i remember meeting this guy at the bar back in 2004. he was nice and we liked the same stuff and i thought we were going to be really good friends. i noticed though, when we were hanging out at his house, and i had gone to the bathroom that there was a bottle of Lexapro sitting on the counter next to his bathroom sink. i just remember that was what they gave my brother when he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder because he was suicidal. i remember thinking, "whoa buddy, i don't want to get involved with that!!!" we hung out and played the guitar and stuff and after i left that night i avoided him like the plague. ( i wish i could remember exactly when it was so that i could find the journal entry from back then, i remember writing about it.)
i, like many people would feel, like that was just too "deep" a scenario to want to deal with. i remember thinking and debating whether or not i was being too shallow, and concluding that even though we had a great time together that suicidal people were just too much of a liabilty. what if you said something to them or did the wrong thing? i didn't want to be in any way responsible or affiliated if he ever went off the deep end.
many people feel this way about people with schizophrenia and any mental disease or disorder. I have schizoaffective disorder but if i have to tell people anything, i just tell them that i'm bi-polar, which is only half of the truth.
interestingly enough, i did see him again and like an asshole i tried to play it off and it backfired. when i saw him we went through the small talk, "where have you been hiding" spiel. then casually i asked him, "hey are you still taking Lexapro, you know my brother takes that," and he told me about how many times he had tried to commit suicide. I tried to be empathetic and we hung out that night, but after he had too much to drink and scared the shit out of me, i left him sitting in this bar that we had gone to (he drove like a bat out of hell) and went with another group of friends that i had run into. he called my phone 17 times that night, so i just turned it off, and sure enough he made another attempt... i heard from him a couple of months later and i explained to him that i didn't feel like we could be friends because i would feel responsible if he got hurt and i didn't want to have to be accountable for that. i even used the word liablity. that was the last time we spoke.
obviously i handled that wrong and i am infinitely apologetic for my behavior. people often become intimidated and withdraw from us because they don't and i don't know how they could possibly understand unless they'd been through it themselves. the way that i've always seen schizophrenia projected on tv and in books has been mostly on the scary side and i could see why and how the average person would avoid that. we all like to see ourselves as loving and compassionate human beings even though we don't always play the part. i know for me, just the idea of someone rejecting me because i have schizophrenia is devastating to me. I know i'd be crushed if it actually happened. i don't like to have to keep secrets from people who are supposed to be my friends either. i do think, however, that it is prudent to be cautios of who you tell something like that to. it's your own business and i wish we did live in a world where we could boldly and openly proclaim, i have schizophrenia but i'm healing without consequence, but sadly that is not the case.
as to whether or not you tell your friend, that is your choice. you can simply use the classic, i went through some things, but i don't like to talk about it, or you can choose to be forthcoming. I would go with the former first and if he prods you about it further you can elaborate because he initiated taking an interest in you. that's what i would do... feel him out first. but then again, i'm not exactly an authority.
I think i heard or maybe read somewhere that when you tell people about something bad that happened to you 95% are glad that it didn't happen to them and the other 5% don't care. (i'm pretty sure the percentages are wrong, but you get the point). decide how much you want to dwell on it and go from there. if you feel as if the person doing the asking is someone that can offer you the understanding and empathy necessary to really support you, then by all means, feel free to share. many people aren't and it's really none of their business so why invite the negativity.
